I've been fat forever. No, that's not true. I weighed less that five pounds when I was born. My dad always said I gained an ounce a day and never stopped. Not true - I'd be 643 pounds right now, so I guess I can say my dad was wrong for once. I went to the doctor yesterday, and here's my info. (Am I REALLY putting this on the internet? WTF is wrong with me?)
Weight: 291.8 lbs
Height: 5'3"
BMI: 51.68
According to the world, I'm "super obese" - morbidly so. Meaning, death-related.
Holy shit.
I don't have high blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, or anything. I have a one year old, and my pregnancy was perfect. I'm "healthy".
Except that I'm not. That's sort of the point, isn't it? I had a great pregnancy, but I had to have internal monitors because they couldn't pick up a good reading through all the fat. She has tiny little scars on her scalp from them... because I was too fat. I get winded going up and down stairs. My daughter will be running soon (already speed-walking) and I'll hardly be able to chase her. That's not really healthy, is it??
So, on November 11th, I start the process of getting a gastric sleeve. According to wikipedia, "Sleeve gastrectomy is a surgical weight-loss procedure in which the stomach is reduced to about 25% of its original size, by surgical removal of a large portion of the stomach along the greater curvature. The result is a sleeve or tube like structure. The procedure permanently reduces the size of the stomach, although there could be some dilatation of the stomach later on in life. The procedure is generally performed laparoscopically and is irreversible."
Basically, they cut out most of your stomach, leaving just a little tube. See?
I've already gotten some crap about it. I told my boss that I was going to a doctor to talk about it, since I would need time off if I went that way. Bless her (skinny/active) heart, she said, "That's terrible. Don't do that! Just eat less."
Damn. Why didn't I think of that?
I have a friend who had it done and told as few people as possible. That's what I'll be doing. One of the surgeons where I will be going just did a Twitter chat, and the things that people said were awful. Cruel. If there was a surgery that helped people NOT be alcoholics or crack heads, would people advocate for it? Absolutely. In a heart beat. Nobody would say, "why don't you just stop drinking?" (Ok, some people would, but those people are douches.)
So, as politely as I can, I'm going to say, "Thank you for your concern, but this is my life. Please keep your opinions to yourself."
Five years ago, two years, even before my daughter was born, I would have told you that I wanted to lose weight for my health... but that would have been a lie. I wanted to lose weight so people would like me, so I'd feel pretty, so I could wear cute clothes and be sexy. Mostly because I had low self-esteem and thought if I was "skinny", I'd be worth something. But then, I became a mother. Now I see that she loves me unconditionally, and that makes me realize I'm something special. My husband loves me unconditionally too, but I made her. She's part of me, and she's amazing... ergo, I'm amazing. She's a miracle - she's perfect. I was part of that. She's very smart, and I was a part of that, too. I see that I want to give her a life I never had - active parents who will run and play with her. This is my inspiration...
We're at the apple orchard, and I'm pulling her uphill in a wagon. You can't see that I'm already out of breath. You can't see that it's 40 degrees, but I'm starting to break a sweat. You can't see that I would have forbid my husband from taking this photo if I had known. You can't see that it never would have even occurred to him not to take it because he loves me and doesn't see anything wrong with it. But I do.
I'm not going to spend my life avoiding pictures. Or being out of breath. Or explaining to my daughter why she can run and play, and mommy will just sit in a chair watching. I love her too much. I love my husband too much. I love myself too much to let that be my life. So, it stops now.
When I first thought about getting surgery, I thought, "That's the quitters way. The easy way." No. It's a tool. A tool I plan on rocking. Yes, it'll make it easier to eat less... but I'll have to commit to eating healthy and exercising. I used to love going to the gym, but the stares were too much. I'd get up at 5:00 a.m. and go because I couldn't stand the stares. But after, I felt so much better. I want that again. I want to run - I've always wanted to be one of those people who did races and ran around the neighborhoods. I want to take my family hiking and biking. I want to go to the beach and actually enjoy myself.
And, I will. I'm scared. I'm worried about what people will think. I'm afraid of the pain that'll come from surgery. But, life is scary. Life is pain. The only people whose opinions matter are my family and real friends. So, it starts now... and there won't be any going back. I'm petrified, but thrilled.
